Saturday, September 17, 2011

Lonely Lonerdom

I don't normally worry a lot.

I don't worry about what I wear to school
or what my hair looks like in the morning when it doesn't want to agree with me.

I don't worry about what the little sophomores in my health class think about me when I tell them they're stupidity is showing and that they shouldn't be allowed to talk.

I don't worry when it comes to procrastination because in all honesty, I really am getting better with it.

I don't worry when I have a humanities test and I end up studying at lunch right before I take the test. (I totally nailed that test. I can feel it.)

I don't worry when I get in a fight with any of my girl friends cause I know that we'll be hugging and making up soon enough (especially referring to Carly, Abby and Kallie).

I don't worry too much when I make a mistake and worry about what God will think of me, because I know that as long as I learn from my mistake that I'll be okay.

I don't worry too much when I get tired, cause I'm a busy person.

But when I start becoming exhausted only a month into school, my body aches all over, I start becoming spastic, weird, moody and dramatic. (That last one's my least favorite symptom.) I freak over the stupid things and then once I realize that I'm being melodramatic, I freak out even more. It's a sad circle. I get lost in my own little world and everything starts closing in. I feel as though everyone is mad at me for stupid reasons and that causes me to feel resentment towards them.

This is when I get really worried.
I apologize to anyone that gets the bitter end of the stick.
I just really need your help.
If you really understand, you'll still love me even when I'm mean and rude.
You'll still love me when I bite your head off for something stupid (like poking me... or touching me).
You'll understand that as of lately, I really don't like being touched. It's a new thing that I can't really explain.

I'm slowly weening towards lonerdom.
But I absolutely and completely REFUSE to quit all my social activities.
I'm afraid of falling into depression and becoming even more stressed and losing all control over my feelings. I will not let this happen to me. I simply refuse and there's no doubting it.

I have decided on the positive outlooks of becoming a loner though.
I can begin depending on myself,
because even though some people get the idea
that I'm independent and strong,
I depend a lot on other people for my happiness.

Another thing that I'm worried about is that I'm starting to clash personalities with my best friend. I can feel it.
Even though we haven't actually verbally talked about it,
I can feel it. And I can feel it deep.
I just hope this change doesn't affect our close relationship.

I'm changing and I'm changing fast.
And I'm not quite sure I like it.

1 comment:

  1. i remember similar feelings my senior year. i was in over my head with too much to do and my best friend and i clashed. it was hard. but somehow i made it through with great memories and you will too. good luck. if you need anything let me know :)